Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, we had a fun-filled day. Stephen and I got up at 10:30 am, made cinnamon rolls (yummy), and just lounged around for a couple of hours. My mom has been sick a lot lately, and just feeling a bit down, so I wanted to take her out with us for the wonderful sunshiny day. I was so happy when she agreed to go with us!
Sunday was filled with church, Stephen, and more church! Two great services, plus Easter Cantata practice. What an incredible way to spend my Sunday!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Over the years, I have had many struggles with the inner workings of being a female (if you catch my drift). As I get older, it only seems to get worse, but I have also gained enough knowledge about the situation, that now most of the things that have occurred in my day to day physical and mental health make sense. It all ties together.
From the start (maybe no pun intended), I had a horribly painful and irregular menstrual period. My mom used to say, "I worry that you will never be able to conceive." That was always in the back of my mind, but I never dwelt on it, because goodness, everyone I ever knew was able to just get pregnant so very easy, why couldn't I?
During my first union, we tried to have a baby. Well, let's just say like always, God was in full control, and thankfully, that never happened. When I married Todd, we started trying to have a child right away, and it finally happened...on our third anniversary! Our miracle! Like I said before, God was in full control, but it all made sense...God created me, and knew before that that I would have problems conceiving. It was all in His time!
During the time of trying, I seemed to always have something going on down there. My ob/gyn office always seemed to call with a bad test result, and I would end up on the biopsy table and in complete agony if only for a few minutes, to find that everything was okay. (Again, thank God!)
For about three years after the pregnancy and birth, my cycle seemed to self-correct. Ahhh! It was awesome! And then came the great age of 35! Boy did that wreak havoc on my system for some reason!
Last June, I had had enough! I went for a checkup because of the problem. My ob/gyn again did the dreaded biopsy, and the results were normal (still thanking God!). However, because of my age now, he decided it was time for a laparoscopy, hystercopy, and d and c. Not a big deal at all. The results of that weren't so normal. It showed what I have known for quite some time...endometriosis. This is quite common, but good grief, extremely unpleasant over time. He scraped a bunch out during this procedure, but also was unable to get most of it, because it has adhered to my intestines/bowel area.
This diagnosis sent me in a complete different direction. It resulted in a colonoscopy to make sure that there were no permanent "restrictions" to by intestines, and to make sure that it wasn't something other than endo. Nope. I am fine on that end (again, maybe no pun intended).
Therefore, that left me with two options:
1. Lupron Depot for six months; or
Because of my age, my doctor doesn't want to consider a hysterectomy unless it is ABSOLUTELY required. The good news is, Lupron is supposed to completely reverse the endo! Yay! The bad news (kind of) is it will throw me into menopause for six months. Yipee!
For some reason, maybe because I am strange -- or deranged, I am excited about this! Well, I guess for the obvious reasons! I know every single woman reading this understands just what I mean. On the other hand, I am a little nervous as to what it is going to do to me.
So, take this post as a warning. I will be documenting my six month journey on here! :) You might want to have your body armour on when you log on from time to time. Between the mood swings, hot flashes, and crying spells, it is extremely hard for me to predict what my posts will consist of. Use extreme caution!! LOL!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Without hesitation, I said yes. Then, I thought, hmmm, what song does he have in mind. He has recently found a new favorite group, Third Day (contemporary christian). To my surprise, and because deep down he really knew I would jump at the chance to sing with him, he had already purchased the track and the track with the background vocals of a song by this group called "Sound of Your Voice."
After my answer, I quickly told him to remember that I do not sing harmony. You see, I love LOVE to sing, but much like my speaking voice, I am loud, and can only sing lead. He explained to me that the track he purchased was straight from Third Day which meant that the one with the background vocals was the actual song - not some re-recorded stuff like most tracks. He said that all I needed was to listen to and learn the background and everything would be fine.
He loaded it on my phone, and that night, I was up until about 2:00 am listening to it, and praying that God would make a way for me to sing this with my husband. Since then, I have probably practiced it every bit of 500 times alone in my car.
This past weekend was one of Todd's two weekends a month to be at church because of his work schedule. So, as I was cooking lunch, I asked him when he had planned on us singing. He didn't really comment, so I figured he just wasn't ready. Wrong! He burned the track to a CD, and we sang it...in church...together! I really can't judge what we sounded like, and how well it was received (since it was contemporary), but I can say that God was in it, and we were making a joyful noise, and the message of this song is incredible.
Wow! Isn't that the truth? We all need to slow down a little and listen to His voice. That sweet, sweet voice that it is. If we would all do that more often, maybe we would find some peace and mercy in our lives!
~Thank you Todd for allowing me to stand by your side and sing this awesome song with you. I love you!
Monday, March 7, 2011
First, I will start with a little background. All my life, it has always just been my mom an me. And believe me, that has always been great! My mom has always been my rock, my mom, my dad, and my best friend. I wouldn't change that for anything! Let's just say God doesn't make mistakes!
What has always been absent in my life was a dad. I never really noticed as I was growing up because I was also blessed with seven of the best uncles in the entire world! So it is not like I was "missing" a dad, like I said, one was just absent.
And then one day I learned who my "dad" was, and that we actually lived pretty close in proximity, therefore making me wonder about things I wasn't experiencing. But back then, those thoughts only came when I saw him passing by in his truck. About the time I entered high school, he moved about 40 minutes away, so those thoughts faded over the years.
A couple of years ago, he moved back into very close proximity. And guess what, those thoughts rushed back like a flooding river. Only this time, I am a mature adult, and can think of a lot more things...why does he refuse to claim me, why doesn't he want to get to know me, how could someone actually ignore the fact that they have another child out there that they don't know the first thing about?
Then, tragedy struck my family with the passing of my uncle in the UBB mine disaster. During his funeral and memorial service, something that I realized I had longed for for many years happened - he hugged me!! And we talked! For the first time, we truly talked! Not about "us," but that was ok. Because he still struggles with acknowledging that I am his daughter.
I really didn't expect anything to happen after that, and I am glad I didn't. Other than seeing him occasionally, and having those random hugs and brief conversations, we are back to the same scenario. And this leads me to my post.
For some reason, I find myself dreaming of him often. This has to tell me something...I dwell on it more than I allow myself to believe. But, this past Saturday night, I dreamed of him, and although they say that dreams only last minutes, this dream lasted what seemed like six hours!
I was at an event, and he showed up - not for me, but because it was a big celebration for something. When he saw me, he quickly came over to me, and we didn't really leave each other's side the entire time. He just kept hugging me (yes, back to the hugs), and talking about spending time with me. He was actually interested.
It came time for a race of antique cars, and he was driving one of them. He asked me if I wanted to ride with him, and as I was racing down to get in, they informed him that he had to drive solo. He won the race, and I could feel my heart explode with pride!
He quickly had to leave to return home, and did so without even saying bye. I was sad. But this guy approached me and said that my dad wanted him to bring me to his house. When I got there, for some reason, there were two very sick, elderly people there. A lady sitting in a chair, not even a part of this world any longer, and a man lying on a bed with no legs, and on oxygen. Odd (but that is common for my dreams). I realized that my dad took care of these people, and they were family, but I wasn't sure who they were.
I really didn't even know why he wanted me there, because he was not even in the room that I was led into. So I started walking around, and overheard my dad telling someone in the kitchen that this cake had to be perfect, because he was trying to make up for all of the birthdays that he had missed.
That was the end of my dream. I woke up. Sadly, it was one of those dreams that felt so real. I could literally feel the heaviness in my chest. And as you can tell, I still cannot forget not even a fraction of it. Maybe that is why I was led to post about it. Anyway, there is was.
Dreams like this, especially of him, hurt. Unfortunately, I am one of those that like people to like me. And it has been a lifelong struggle to understand why this man doesn't "like" me. It can't be because I am still angry. I believe I have gone through the grieving stage, and I am beyond the angriness I felt toward him as a young girl.
Because these things happen, and old wounds are open occasionally, I can tell that my strength in the Lord has grown so much over the past few years. Because even though he never wanted anything to do with me, I am beyond that. If he were to see me out tomorrow and ask if we could have a relationship, I would run right into his arms. Crazy - I know.
I will end this sad, depressing entry with something extremely important for you to realize, as I said earlier...
My mom has always been my rock, my mom, my dad, and my best friend. I wouldn't change that for anything! Let's just say God doesn't make mistakes! She raised me on her own, instilled an undescribably incredible work ethic into me, and has always been there for me no matter what! She is the most strong, incredible woman I have ever met. And I thank her for that!
Today is her birthday. I hope she has one of the best ones EVER! I love you Mom!!!!
These verses from Proverbs 31 sums up who she is in my sight:
10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. 15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. 17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. 20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. 30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Work has been insanley busy, and part of that is because I missed so much last week due to all of those stinkin' medical procedures and related illnesses, and then I was out Monday because of little man. Every time I feel like my head is emerging from the water, I seem to be swallowed back up. That is okay though, because I love what I do! How many people can actually say that?
Hey, did I mention, Spring is almost here?! Wow! The sun...Vitamin D! Maybe this will make us all feel a little better! I don't think I have ever seen soooo many sick people at one time. Yikes! If you are anything like me (a conspiracy theory person), you kinda wonder what in the world was released in the air and by whom.
I am sorry for the short post, but as I said, I have nothing! I will be back when I can bring you something with some substance. I just didn't want to live my blog out there for days without something new! :)