Thursday, May 26, 2011

Thursday and a new day...

I have been totally swamped lately, and haven't had a chance to really write a thing! But maybe that is a good thing, because I have really been in an absolute horrible mood. My emotions have definitely been a roller coaster as of late, but I am going to change that - MANDATORY change - MYSELF!

It has to be the Lupron, because I truly have lost all of my ambition. My house is a wreck, I don't want to fix my hair, I don't want to deal with stupid people, and worst of all, I have kind of lost my desire to come to work. All of these things are normal for me - EXCEPT THE LAST! And for some reason, my level of "normalcy" seems to be extremely amplified, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, I will explain. The first three things I listed are normal feelings for me, but I usually push through them and deal. The last couple of weeks, that has totally been out of the question!

I am normally a very optimistic person - cup half full or overflowing. I want to get back to that...I am going to get back to that! It is the least I can do for people who have to deal with me on a daily basis! I have really been down, and unable to even put together a comprehendible sentence. I feel like I am bi-polar (which I did mention in a post a long time ago - remember - self-diagnosed, haha!)

Anyway, there are some good things happening in my life that I must start focusing on! Mom got a summer job, and Stephen is going to a new babysitter for 8 weeks. This should be great for both of them, even though my poor mom doesn't want to admit it. I honestly think she is going to love this position, though! She will be working for Children's Home Society at their "home" for unplaced children. That is her element. She is great with kids! And the girlie that will be baysitting Stephen is going to be perfect. God certainly worked this out!

And tonight, hopefully, my wonderful Uncle Terry is going to come and stay a few days with us! His family went on a school trip, so he wants to make a visit and hang out with us for the weekend. I am soooooooo excited! I need this family time! <3

One more great thing happened. We paid off my jeep last week one year early! Three more debts, and we will be calling Dave Ramsey and screaming "WE ARE DEBT FREEEEEEE!!!"

See, as I have said before, God is with us on the tops of mountains, but He is always with us in our lowest valleys. He is there to walk with us, or carry us if necessary, and then He pulls us out of those valleys to find wonderful blessings flowing! Thank you God for everything you do in my life, and the life of my friends and family! You truly bless us!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Something to look forward to...

You know, God promises many things to those who follow Him. His promises are the only ones that you can actually count on, because man can promise until he is blue in the face and most of the time always falls short!

When I am having a day like I am today, it always makes me feel a little better to pretend that God has promised me one more thing (which this is COMPLETELY make believe):

That I will be able to stand behind certain people on Judgment Day!

As a Christian, I know better than this! It is even a pretty evil thought, and I should be praying for these people. And I know, love the sinner, not the sin. But come on, I am flesh. Sometimes I just cannot fight the feeling of wanting to see what happens to some people on "that" day! Call it justification, unchristian like, whatever you want, I.can'!

I know that salvation is freewill, and everyone has the opportunity to secure it and live eternally with our Heavenly Father. But, I do also believe there are certain people who have already reserved their spot in hell. I don't get it, because life is so much better if you live it loving God.

Why do people intentionally set out to hurt people. Or maybe they are just so pompous that they don't "set out" to do that, it just comes naturally. I would really hate to be those people. What a sad, sad existence!

I find that my most common phrase to myself and to a lot of people is "I just don't understand it." Well, that is a whole post in itself, and I have fought myself for weeks about composing it. I am just not ready for that, because it annoys the crap out of me.

Anyway, about the title of this post, I do have something to look forward to! I know without a shadow of a doubt, that when I stand before the Lord on "that day," He will say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." 2 Timothy 4:7-8 (7) I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: (8) Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.

I am promised that I don't have to deal with revenge. He has a plan, He ALWAYS has a plan! Romans 12:19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

I serve an amazing God. There is nothing I can do to ever repay what He has done and continues to do in my life. I know sometimes my fleshly thoughts hurt Him, but I know I can call on Him and seek forgiveness and He will never turn His back on me. Thank you Lord!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Emotional weekend that has carried over...

**I almost just deleted this post, but feel the need to publish it. I started composing this on Tuesday, and never finished. It is now Thursday, and I will pick up where I left off and finish out what this week has meant for the Taylor household.

Sunday and yesterday have to be classified in my world as the worst parenting days of the (almost) six years I have been blessed with Stephen. I don't know what is going on with him, but if something doesn't change soon, I think I am seriously going to lose my mind!

It all started after Sunday School, because he was such a good boy during that time. I had to run to Michael's to pick up some yarn, and he and Todd drove around while I ran in. When I got back into the car, he still wasn't bad, but I could tell his personality/ mood had changed significantly.

**I should probably pre-empt this message to explain that since the weather has began to warm, Stephen has convinced himself that he MUST be playing with the neighborhood kids at all times! While he is at mom's, there are several little kids that either come over or he goes to their house. And as soon as we hit our driveway in the evening, he bolts out of the car and out of the yard to one of our many neighbor's houses. Although mom nor I have a problem with him playing with any of these kids, because they are all great kids, there are several issues I have with this.

1. Stephen has been lashing out and getting in trouble at school. He should not have privileges to play with other kids after school. This should be a time for discipline and making him understand why.

2. There needs to be limits on the times each day he can have company. We all need time to do our daily tasks, but getting Stephen to grasp this concept seems absolutely impossible.

3. I would like for just one time to be able to pull into our driveway, get him out of the car, enter my house, change clothes, and cook dinner without the interruption of having to chase him throughout the neighborhood!

I know what some of you are probably thinking. Who is the adult here? Well, let me tell you, come live in my house one of these evenings and see how hard it is to control a child that has no concept of cause and effect. I can whip him, switch him, put him in time away, take away his television, try to keep him from leaving the inside of the house...NOTHING WORKS!

I am not saying that Stephen is a bad child. As most of you know, he is very loving and caring. But for the last two weeks, especially the last two days, it has been constant disobedience! And not only at home, he has been in trouble in school for the last two weeks. I can't remember when he had his last good day.

My heart is breaking! Determining what to do next has been the biggest struggle for me. I have waited patiently for him to "grow out of this." Unfortunately, it just hasn't happened. Each year, I find myself daydreaming that "next year will be better" as far as being able to take him in public and not having to suffer through temper tantrums, screaming and crying. Well, here we are in almost year six, and I have yet to be able to enjoy a day out with him. That is why I have always truly preferred to just stay at home behind our locked doors. That was our little respite, my relief.

That now has been taken away from me, too, because of what I have explained above. The thought of running away (all of us) to a place where no one knows us has crossed my mind. That way, we can just find us plenty of property somewhere, and Stephen can have all the room outside to roam and play, but we won't have to deal with this feeling of him ALWAYS having to have someone to play with.

This is so selfish of me! I hate that I have those feelings. And I will NEVER keep him from his friends. But I truly feel like I can't take much more. I just wish he could realize that us adults have things we absolutely have to take care of before he can play! There are a lot of things I wish he could "understand," but he just doesn't right now.

**Picking up from here...

Todd and I, along with our mother's, have cried and cried this week. It has been an extremely long, hard, emotional week for all of us. Decisions have been made. And they have been prayerfully made. I am confident in our Lord that He has put us on the right path, and now our burdens are in His hands. He would have never blessed us with our precious boy if He didn't deem us fit to be the parents of a special needs child. For that, I am forever grateful! Praise His Holy Name!!!!!

It is easy to praise God when your up on that mountain, but do you praise Him when you are down in the lowest valley? You know what - I DO!
Blog Design By: The Hillbilly Chicks