Monday, March 7, 2011

Dreams and a broken heart...

Well, I have put this off for a couple of days, but for some reason, I cannot fight the desire to post it.

First, I will start with a little background. All my life, it has always just been my mom an me. And believe me, that has always been great! My mom has always been my rock, my mom, my dad, and my best friend. I wouldn't change that for anything! Let's just say God doesn't make mistakes!

What has always been absent in my life was a dad. I never really noticed as I was growing up because I was also blessed with seven of the best uncles in the entire world! So it is not like I was "missing" a dad, like I said, one was just absent.

And then one day I learned who my "dad" was, and that we actually lived pretty close in proximity, therefore making me wonder about things I wasn't experiencing. But back then, those thoughts only came when I saw him passing by in his truck. About the time I entered high school, he moved about 40 minutes away, so those thoughts faded over the years.

A couple of years ago, he moved back into very close proximity. And guess what, those thoughts rushed back like a flooding river. Only this time, I am a mature adult, and can think of a lot more things...why does he refuse to claim me, why doesn't he want to get to know me, how could someone actually ignore the fact that they have another child out there that they don't know the first thing about?

Then, tragedy struck my family with the passing of my uncle in the UBB mine disaster. During his funeral and memorial service, something that I realized I had longed for for many years happened - he hugged me!! And we talked! For the first time, we truly talked! Not about "us," but that was ok. Because he still struggles with acknowledging that I am his daughter.

I really didn't expect anything to happen after that, and I am glad I didn't. Other than seeing him occasionally, and having those random hugs and brief conversations, we are back to the same scenario. And this leads me to my post.

For some reason, I find myself dreaming of him often. This has to tell me something...I dwell on it more than I allow myself to believe. But, this past Saturday night, I dreamed of him, and although they say that dreams only last minutes, this dream lasted what seemed like six hours!

I was at an event, and he showed up - not for me, but because it was a big celebration for something. When he saw me, he quickly came over to me, and we didn't really leave each other's side the entire time. He just kept hugging me (yes, back to the hugs), and talking about spending time with me. He was actually interested.

It came time for a race of antique cars, and he was driving one of them. He asked me if I wanted to ride with him, and as I was racing down to get in, they informed him that he had to drive solo. He won the race, and I could feel my heart explode with pride!

He quickly had to leave to return home, and did so without even saying bye. I was sad. But this guy approached me and said that my dad wanted him to bring me to his house. When I got there, for some reason, there were two very sick, elderly people there. A lady sitting in a chair, not even a part of this world any longer, and a man lying on a bed with no legs, and on oxygen. Odd (but that is common for my dreams). I realized that my dad took care of these people, and they were family, but I wasn't sure who they were.

I really didn't even know why he wanted me there, because he was not even in the room that I was led into. So I started walking around, and overheard my dad telling someone in the kitchen that this cake had to be perfect, because he was trying to make up for all of the birthdays that he had missed.

That was the end of my dream. I woke up. Sadly, it was one of those dreams that felt so real. I could literally feel the heaviness in my chest. And as you can tell, I still cannot forget not even a fraction of it. Maybe that is why I was led to post about it. Anyway, there is was.

Dreams like this, especially of him, hurt. Unfortunately, I am one of those that like people to like me. And it has been a lifelong struggle to understand why this man doesn't "like" me. It can't be because I am still angry. I believe I have gone through the grieving stage, and I am beyond the angriness I felt toward him as a young girl.

Because these things happen, and old wounds are open occasionally, I can tell that my strength in the Lord has grown so much over the past few years. Because even though he never wanted anything to do with me, I am beyond that. If he were to see me out tomorrow and ask if we could have a relationship, I would run right into his arms. Crazy - I know.

I will end this sad, depressing entry with something extremely important for you to realize, as I said earlier...

My mom has always been my rock, my mom, my dad, and my best friend. I wouldn't change that for anything! Let's just say God doesn't make mistakes! She raised me on her own, instilled an undescribably incredible work ethic into me, and has always been there for me no matter what! She is the most strong, incredible woman I have ever met. And I thank her for that!

Today is her birthday. I hope she has one of the best ones EVER! I love you Mom!!!!

These verses from Proverbs 31 sums up who she is in my sight:
10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. 15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. 17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. 20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. 30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.


Brandon said...

Robin I also went thru similar issues with my mom. She and my dad split up when I was about 28 months old. I didn't lack for a mother figure as my dad did remarry when I was very young. Buuuuut it still left many questions and a sort of emptiness. Don't get me wrong I love my "step mom" dearly. She's raised me for as long as I can remember; but there still to this day is a sort of emptiness. It drizes Rachel crazy but it seems that in a certain matter of respect I'm a better son to my mom than she is a mother to me. I run to her every chance I get. Even when I know she wouldn't do the same for me. I know she loves me but it often feels like I'm the forgotten son. And yeah that's REAL hard to swallow

Tonia said...

Your post made me cry. But trust me, he is the one who is missing out because how could anyone not want to know you? We are so lucky to both have AmAzInG moms!

Love you!

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